| brandston is playing a free show and im missing it |
[02 May 2004|07:09pm] |
i wish i would have done things differently this year. first and foremost, i should have taken calculus first semester. secondly i just feel like i wasnt as honest with myself as i could have been. it is always hard to be completely honest with yourself... finding yourself... all of that shit comes into play. i guess i just dont like the pressure that comes with being this age and with being where im at. i dont wanted to be expected to do thing, i just want what i do to be accepted. i hate having to remind my dad that im smart, and that ive been making decisions on my own for years.
studying for finals is pointless. i feel like if i dont know it by now, that cramming all that shit in wont help. im reviewing for french and i feel like im wasting my time. i also have a headache and i am also very, very tired.
the bands that played last night-- the names, angry sea, the vegetables, and the horribly wrong-- were great. i had a lot of fun at the party. all the bands complimented each other and everyone played really well. especially angry sea bc i was able to see jason rock the drums again and sean sounded amazing and vishnu is the ultimate front man-- lots of fun.
in conclusion: the sex party was an undeniable success!
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(3 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[01 May 2004|05:31pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
i thought this was interesting... lots of people have been doing the "post your 23rd entry or post your 5th sentence." well, my 5th sentence was a lot more interesting than my 23rd entry:
March 30, 2002-- 12:45 am.
andy and jason r pretty cool guys.
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(3 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[28 Apr 2004|01:02am] |
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i dont know who all reads my journal, but im thinking for now that miraz needs a break. its been roughly three years- lets start a new life.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) head_on_wall is my new residence. it will mostly be friends only, so add me if you wish to be added back, and for those of you that so avidly read my journal but are not LJers, maybe you should get one.
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(chase the storm)
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[25 Apr 2004|02:12am] |
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mood |
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alone |
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music |
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air:alone.in.kyoto |
] |
i am so mad. in general everyone knows that i have been alone spending time by myself, basically waiting for things to end. i have not been happy and my friends know this. i am so disappointed in some of my friends and it is so upsetting to realize how alone i will be during the summer. i walked in the rain tonight with caitlin, and... it was just so nice to walk through the rain- bare foot. i dont want to be a cause of drama and i just dont want to be involved... i am just so disappointed in my friends. i really hate this. hopefully i can go roadtripping with margie and kim- that would be amazing. i hate feeling like this. im going to fall asleep to lost in translation and i guess the only thing missing would be someone to fall asleep with. im not lonely for a relationship- i miss company and sincerity and realness and honest, honest friendship. this is ridiculous. i was sober all last night. and i liked it a lot. i wish i would have not drank tonight. i am just so disappointed. and i feel like i just want someone to prove themselves to me. just prove to me that your smile, maybe, could make a difference. im just sad. and feeling honest. im going to bed. and will most likely delete this in the morning. ive written nothing worthwhile in so long. since when did livejournal become this for me. im going to watch lost in translation. im going to bed. fuck. i am so disappointed.
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(21 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| optional reading |
[22 Apr 2004|12:52am] |
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you get inside my brain, so deep that streams of happiness and hatred mix together, but end with your name. funny how that works. my lonliness coincides with your breathing patterns: your lack of breath is me being alone- ha. so here i am, you must not have breathed in ages, but there you are still alive without needing a breath for so long. if you can live without oxygen, surely i can live alone. but my desperation is not in longing or wanting anymore, at least not of you. exhale one final time, then i can be happy in the vibrato of your swan song.
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(chase the storm)
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[09 Apr 2004|05:07pm] |
| Opening credits: | amazing grace: ani difranco | | Waking up: | cello song: nick drake | | Average day: | apple scruffs: george harrison | | First date: | april in paris: thelonious monk | | Falling in love: | nice n easy: frank sinatra | | Love scene: | posed to death (calculators): the faint | | Fight scene: | wake up!: les savy fav | | Breaking up: | sic transit gloria... glory fades: brand new | | Getting back together: | breakfast at tiffany's: deep blue something | | Secret love: | its oh so quiet: bjork | | Life's okay: | know your onion!: the shins | | Mental breakdown: | mad world: gary jules | | Driving: | hurricane: bob dylan | | Learning a lesson: | sparks: coldplay | | Deep thought: | we laugh indoors: death cab for cutie | | Flashback: | plastic bag theme: american beauty soundtrack | | Partying: | move your feet: junior senior | | Happy dance: | the state i am in: belle and sebastion | | Regreting: | windmills: toad and the wet sprocket | | Long night alone: | sea and the rhythm: iron and wine | | Death scene: | cats in the cradle: cat stevens | | Closing credits: | la femme d'argent: air |
Your Life: The Soundtrack brought to you by BZOINK!
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(4 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| just rambling... |
[31 Mar 2004|10:12pm] |
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my mom always told me that she loved my writing. that she was scared that when i grew up i would document my childhood. my horrible, scary, ridiculous childhood. she said that when i started to read that i got sick of the baby books too early. that even though amelia bedelia was for ages 7+, that was satire for a seven year old, and when i was reading those at age four it made her nervous. she didnt ask for a child that could read into her emotions and pull out her adult phrases and coin them for herself. she read my diary, in third grade my mom read my diary, chalked full of hate and sadness. what had she put her little nine year old through? at six years old, when she left my dad, when my things were put into little plastic bags i didnt say anything. i just watched my grandma wave at us from outside the front door. dad was at work. i held my copy of charlottes web so tight... i think she may have thrown it out. the other day my english teacher left a comment on one of my papers "you are going to make a great english major! i look forward to seeing you continue your undergraduate english studies!" i am not an english major. lets see how long we can last going nowhere. its not that acceptable. i dont want to look for comfort in other peoples thoughts anymore. i wish that i could be comfortable with my own. this is so ridiculous. i have been so sad lately. jason called me a hermit today. im okay with that, its basically true. music isnt comforting me, just an aside, its entertaining me, but im not finding solace. i dont know why i wrote the first part of this. not all of it is true, ill let anyone who wants to decide for themselves what seems most lifelike- things are more fun that way. when you can pick what has made someones life up, ive always liked creating my own version of peoples lives up in my head. i mean, its my word against yours, and when you say it that way, no one knows who to believe. silly? well, yes, it is.
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(6 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| where have all the flowers gone? |
[23 Mar 2004|10:05pm] |
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music |
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george.harrison:apple.scruffs |
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i feel pretty lousy. i'm guessing it is just post- really- really- good- spring- break- shit, but i have been isolating myself. i realize it's only tuesday. this will be the third night in a row that i read myself to sleep. nothing else is that interesting. mix cds are interesting, thanks peter. i have been playing with ink and markers in my notebook. with this sort of weather comes creativity. the winter really does feel like hibernation and now things really are getting more lively. id like to see eternal sunshine again. with anyone. anyone i talk to or dont. i hate people that talk during movies. that is really just a horrible thing. why would you do that? i hope my grades pick up, tho i am already surpassing my last semesters gpa by ridiculous amounts. ive been contemplating a major in philosophy/ political science. i want to go to law school. and i want to write you a story. things really dont seem to get much more interesting than vodka and cranberry juice. it's true. maybe not. bike rides are nice too. and music. and film.
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(24 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[17 Mar 2004|02:08am] |
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mood |
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defeated by numbness |
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music |
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micheal.jackson:the.way.you.make.me.feel |
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if youd just listen. how could you ask an armless man for a hand shake? im just so so tired. i just want some sleep. not too much. just some. then we can dance.
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(5 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[27 Feb 2004|02:05am] |
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she'll walk the river. side by side they stand at the edge of the shore waiting to break the silence and peace. cannonball. hahaha. inside the glass of clear blue serenity. ahhh, i miss the wake. they talked for hours, spilling water and secrets. its amazing how fast the time will pass with an ambiguous you at my side. trust is innate. tonight was just there and for real and for now i will not try to analyze my woes. they only last for so long. its not worth the effort of pain and sorrow and sadness. because right now, im happy. so there.
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(3 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[24 Feb 2004|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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whisper.whisper.whisper |
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i will wonder always. but im much more accustomed to moving on and up and over problems and past and p p p things. stress finds me even when i am under secret coastlines and out of distance from the border patrol radar. i am mastering this stress. this fiend. this fickle foe. running has been like a comforting hug from an old friend. i am bad at it. but i will get better. i like my sublte hints of optimism. i wont let too much out, it may hurt.
i must find a major. i must. i must.
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(6 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| a paper hat club |
[17 Feb 2004|10:39pm] |
so i have this occasional friend. we see each other primarily when i am stressed out, occasionally when im with certain people. some would like to call my friend a crutch. i wouldnt.
ahh your resistance astounds me. your heart is pure and firm and tired and beats faster when pretty girls walk by. their swinging hips hypnotize your breathing. and you breathe in time to a distant piano melody. averted eyes from them to me. back and forth. your resistance disgusts me.
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(4 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[15 Feb 2004|02:14am] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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tonight was really great. i just enjoyed everyones company and silliness. i drank and i drank and i still was sober by one thirty in the morning. however, that is okay with me. i spoke to some people and figured out some things for myself. and i will remember the way everyone was and they will forget. i saw some sad people milling around about their lack of relationships. id have to say that not being in a relationship is so fine with me. i really need to figure out myself. that sounds so trite but i am truly a mess. id like to talk over things and talk through what is eating at me. ill just write it out for myself though.
its surprising how little people will actually care about you until you let them in on something private. then they will look at you with a glimmer in their eye, and try to relate. whatever though, i know my emotions are not unique, i know that i am in a similar state as anyone else. i know that everyone gets sad and then happy and then sad again. i know this because i know that i am a part of the collective everyone. no, we are not unique snowflakes. yes, dear, that was a lie. i know this, and eventually i will accept this.
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(5 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| this is nothing more than a whine. |
[10 Feb 2004|08:45pm] |
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music |
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no music just thoughts |
] |
my brain is just fried. i am so burnt out from school, it is just really really hard to make it through these long drawn out days. mentally i am at such a loss, i feel empty. i cannot produce decent writing and i have so much on my mind that it is getting difficult to comprehend simple things. i am physically drained. i just want to sleep. and i cant seem to get enough of that. emotionally, well, i dont have many emotions right now. i am just dulled and numbed. i am stressed and stressed and stressed. the best part of my day was walking to and from classes listening to music and then walking with a dear friend after dinner. the air outside is calm right now and it is really just where i want to be. i wish it were warm outside. its hard to read when i have other things to think about. its hard to work on those other things when i cant concentrate on anything. im almost over my illness, i just have the sniffles now. i feel transparent. and thats okay with me. i wish i had some fairy dust that could mend all that ails me. or maybe i just wish i could mend all of my problems. i guess i wouldnt want to rely on a fairy. or anyone.
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(2 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| add some satire to the mix! |
[09 Feb 2004|12:44am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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mogwai mogwai mogwai |
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i wrote two letters today. and made two envelopes to send the letters in. it felt good. id like to write more letters. i need addresses.
this week is going to be semi chaotic with school. fuck school. i am sick sick sick of french homework. but i do enjoy reading TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by VIRGINIA WOOLF. i am a woolf fan, it seems. indeed! indeed!
ye! life has just been mediocre.
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(6 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[03 Feb 2004|12:14am] |
tonight, i saw DIRTY PRETTY THINGS with blake and andrea at the cinemat.
audrey tautou looks amazing with long hair.
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(3 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[31 Jan 2004|01:47am] |
i changed the look of my livejournal. im pleased.
i saw MONSTER today with my pal blake. i was pretty taken aback by it.
i really, really do not want to work anymore.
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(10 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[26 Jan 2004|08:17pm] |
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i feel very low. i hate when i cannot pinpoint what exactly is making me so sad. im sinking further and further into the ground. there are so many things weighing me down mentally that i feel as though i am crawling everywhere. usually i would be outside staring into the beautiful, beautiful mixtures of fog and snow, attempting to determine where the ground ends. instead i am turning to a mix a friend made for me. i hate how much music touches me. i try to find a song to immitate my mood, instead i find one that increases the melancholy and i just couldnt possibly feel more depressed. this happens this time of year, every year, without fail. i thought i could bypass it. i feel ridiculously antisocial and lonesome. i will be okay soon. i just need a good night of sleep. or a good drink.
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(12 found the rain | chase the storm)
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| i am not a good guide, but i could try |
[25 Jan 2004|06:50pm] |
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music |
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my.bloody.valentine:sometimes |
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i would like to put all of my friends on a single intercom service. i would have the master control, and i could speak to you at all different times. this service would be connected to everyone on my friends list and possibly 10- 12 more. i would say things like, I APPRECIATE YOU. I REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. ITS TIME TO PUNCH YOUR MIRROR. EVERYONE STAND UP, TAKE ONE STEP TO THE RIGHT, AND ON THE COUNT OF THREE, SPIN. and WOULD YOU CARE TO TAKE A WALK WITH ME? OR SIT WITH ME? OR TALK WITH ME? this system would not work all of the time; however, when someone knows they are needed or wanted, generally, i think they would oblige. if in fact it were in effect right now, i would say something like IF YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN ANYONE A HUG TODAY, AND FEEL AS IF YOU SHOULD, I COULD REALLY USE ONE. i had a great weekend. one of the finest. unfortunately, this moment feels nothing but solemn.
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(3 found the rain | chase the storm)
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[20 Jan 2004|11:20pm] |
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music |
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the.shins:saint.simon |
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my evenings consist of: homework and spying and being silly. there is no action. sometimes action is necessary. action as in excitement. it feels like nothing is moving around here. things are still and constant. everyone and everything needs to be put into a martini shaker and shaken up a bit. that would be exciting. well, this intense lack of anything going on has given me time to explore new music and catch up on the democratic primaries and has also encouraged the strengthening of my hatred for both george bush and joe lieberman. i have been listening to a lot of the shins and death cab for cutie. also my interest in iron and wine is increasing and i am rediscovering pink floyd. iTunes is one of my closest friends right now.
things that make me happy:
iTunes
late night phone conversations
jessica
receiving zines from people like nicole
reading
writing pretty things and not sharing them
my name being mentioned in the "much love to" section of zines
annie
collective distaste for the current head of state
being sought out
dinner in a dining hall with only one other person
eye contact
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(10 found the rain | chase the storm)
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